Archive Pasting from My Space

Just to keep it all together. Here are the blogs from myspace.

Thursday, May 04, 2006 Topic: Music Mood: Content

On a new music kick. I'm totally digging Chris Rice.

Monday, January 01, 2007 Topic: New Year, New Ideas Mood: Tired

Some people may think blogging is arrogant. I dunno about that. I rather enjoy reading some other people's little online entries, especially when I have stuff in common with them. (Jobs, interests, or other).
So, in the small chance that someone might enjoy a little insight into my mind, or at least a giggle at how the ridiculous way my mind works, here it is.
If no one reads it, thats ok too. I spent some time in a little self-evaluation and put thoughts into words. I'm an extrovert, I have to survive somehow.
Enjoy, comment, and pray for me. :)


Monday January 1, 2007 SUNDAY SCHEDULE
I'm not a morning person. AT ALL. I'm a night person. Add that to the fact that in general, its hard for me to get to sleep. I sleep very soundly. Therefore, naps are not an option, nor would they be productive.
I have an almost perfect job for this situation. I do not have a 9-5 type job. I only have to wake up earlier 2-3 mornings a week, in general (varies, of course).
Every Sunday is one of those wake up early days. Sunday is what I work towards every week. My in and out daily routine is mostly about "Getting ready for Sunday". I love my job, and I want to do my best at it. Here lies the problem. Sunday mornings.
It's not just one mass to get through. Its 3 with a rehearsal in between. Not only that, but I'm "on". No room for grumpiness or a "case of the Mondays".
So I strategize. I start seriously getting ready for Sunday on Thursday. Let's work backwards:
Want to get up early on Sunday and not be tired...so common sense says go to bed early on Saturday night. (Yes, I'm a loser on Saturday nights.) But I'm usually not tired...so all day Saturday I do things to make me tired.. I try to get up pretty early, exercise a lot, do a lot of errands, interact with a lot of people, etc. Somtimes this isn't even enough, so, I even try to stay up late on Friday and get up early on Saturday so that I'm tired. So basically, its trading one tired day for another, but usually on Saturdays, I don't have to work. But in order to stay up late Friday, I need to sleep in on Friday. Which means on Thursday night, I'm thinking about my wake up time for the next day. and forget it if I have a school mass.
Ridiculous, I know. But I really REALLY enjoy my job so much more when I feel rested.

CHRISTMAS SCHEDULE (Please read Sunday schedule first)

I am a parish music director...I have more masses than my parish priests who split them up.(I am in St. Louis, so we are not experiencing a dire shortage like other diocese)

Here's my Christmas Weekend schedule

Sunday the 24th:
10:00 AM and Noon (I usually have the 8:30, but the other group mercifully played that one so I could get a little more rest.

Play another place at 4 PM vigil (while another group plays at my parish)

Then to dinner with other Catholic musicians who are as close to me as my family because I have to have holiday dinners with them because of weekends like this Christmas weekend.

Then back to my parish for a 10:30 PM mass (choir starts at 10) Please do NOT criticize the earlier time. THANK GOD for the earlier time...because I'm not quite done...

Monday Christmas morning...back to my parish for an 8:30 and a 10 AM By then, I'm a little "massed" out.....

It's exhausting and emotionally draining. By the time I am done on Christmas morning, I'm so wiped out that I can't really enjoy family.
If you read "Sunday schedule", you will understand my sleep preparations and survival tactics for this weekend. I purposely did not sleep on Friday night. At all. no kidding. I was completely exhausted on Saturday.(Although I did make it to 8 AM daily mass that day). I did this so that I could sleep VERY early on Saturday night to be well rested for my marathon Christmas Eve. I slept 12 hours on the night before Christmas eve. It was a wonderful thing. Had a quick lunch after noon mass, then off to villa duschesne Christmas Eve vigil Mass.
As I mentioned before, dinner with musician friends, then back to church for set up and red-bull. Got home about 1 AM and back the next morning.
Read the next blog for the hangover story --> --> --> -->

MMMMM SLEEP!!!!! (Please read sunday schedule and christmas first)

Christmas Night. 12 glorious hours of sleep. 2 more nights of 10 hours each. I didn't go into work until Saturday. I did leave the house, I wasn't in complete hibernation, but I did some painting, some work that needed to get done.
Saturday, had a wedding and got stuff ready for Masses on Sunday. Here we go again. You know, preparing for Christmas or Easter wouldn't be as bad if I didn't have those "pesky" Sundays to prepare for as well every week.
So, that brings me to now. Monday, New Years Day at 2 PM. Had Mass this morning. Got inspired to do some blogging and here we are. I am still recovering.

Wednesday, January 03, 2007 Topic: Gratitude
So, my past blogs seem to have an air of complaint. This one is gratitude.
I'm grateful I have a job. I'm grateful that I can come home tired and spent feeling like I have achieved something for the Lord and worked hard at it.
I'm grateful I have a home, and a salary to pay my mortgage.
Sometimes I get inside myself, especially when I'm tired or feeling lonely, and I do too much self-evaluation. The kind that makes you think that you're not good enough, cute enough, not enough friends, etc. Well, I'm thankful that I have drive, and goals, and motivation to work hard.
Thanks, God.

Saturday, January 20, 2007 Musings on a Saturday night

It's an amazing adventure to try to find peace. One can look for their whole lives, doing all the right things, and not find too much comfort. God is mysterious. Those holy ones that have gone before us, and struggled with the dark night of the soul.... you are probably saints right now.
Of course, I am not comparing myself to the saints...far from it, but I'm trying... really I am. I am struggling so much now with lack of peace again. The times I have experienced peace for a "period" of my life have been very few. I was and am SOOO happy in my job. Something seems to come along and disrupt the peace and I can't seem to get it back.
Last year, I dove into "memorized prayer". The kind that you do when your heart is broken and you have nothing left to say so you go back to all you can muster up with the mustard seed of faith. I kept it up for months. No peace. Where was God? I still don't know.
I got so tired of it, that I'm starting to equivocate prayer with "empty". God, where are you? I'm looking and you are hiding.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007 Topic: Happiness Current mood: Discontent

Pretending to be happy, or peaceful when I'm not is the most unappealing thing to me. It is not authentic. I don't want to put on masks.
However, is expecting my friends to deal with my moods, or me being down fair? Can I expect them to stay friends with me? Hence the less hang out opportunities because who wants to be around sadness? Which leads to more loneliness.
There is a story of someone who was struggling with dryness in prayer. His spiritual director told him to lay prostrate in prayer, even though he didn't feel like it. He put himself in the posture of prayer, to allow it to come. (which it did).
So I'm wondering if I make a decision to be happy… act pleasant and peaceful and happy, if it might penetrate me from the outside in.
I struggle with this because it almost feels like lying. It feels like I'm just distracting myself from facing fears and loneliness, and healing, and just covering it up.
However, what I'm doing now is not working.

Thursday, March 22, 2007 Topic: JOY Current mood: melancholy

Rejoice: what an interesting word. My mind immediately thinks of rejoicing as celebrating, happiness, and lollipops and balloons.
I don't think that is the intended meaning in scripture. Even during Lent, we are called to rejoice. I guess it's the idea that we can be full of Joy even during immense suffering.
I feel like I'm lacking the Joy. I don't want to.
I like the song "Rejoice with trembling" … what a paradox…
I want the joy back. I want the hope back. I'm tired of not having it.

Monday, July 09, 2007 Topic: Thoughts Mood: Groggy

Got back from Steubenville St. Louis yesterday. I was honored to be able to play piano and sing with the music ministry. I feel hung over today...not from drinks, but from exhaustion. The whole experience was draining, but in a good way.
Praying that way (by playing music) is just different. It's a different kind of prayer because there are elements of your brain that must stay focused on the task of putting fingers to the keys and singing the right note... no matter how good one is at their instrument. When not playing, all I am employing in the brain is the part that keeps me standing upright. So much more freedom, however, I can do that any day in the adoration chapel.

Monday, March 10, 2008 Topic: Dryness Mood: Blah

In my involvement in church work, I naturally have friends who share faith quite easily. In the last few years, I have felt dryness, although it seems that most around me are in a pretty decent place. Ups and downs of course, but generally, pretty good. Oddly though, lately, I have come across more and more people who can't seem to find their way out of the desert. For me, I would be happy right now for an oasis just to rest.
I have felt this dryness for some time. Years, even. It became quite evident when I went through a break-up and a friend betrayed me. I lost so much at that time, even though I prayed more than before. It was so empty. There was even a moment one night, lasted about 1 ½ minutes, that I lost my intellectual mustard seed of faith.
Christians have the knowledge that God is there with them, but don't always feel it. But the hope in Christ, that death leads to resurrection, gives us the reason to keep on keeping on. When that is lost though, that is a hellish place to be. I hit that place for a moment that one night and it scared me. I don't wish anyone to go there. This is when suicides happen. (No I was not close to that, but I certainly can see how a person feeling hopeless and despair can easily reach that). I shook it off, never wanting to visit that again. It became apparent to me that Satan was involved in that, which was to his delight. I suppose my angel was working overtime to fight him off that night.
I recently have been inspired, at least a little bit, to keep on. Things are dryer than ever. Lack of peace like never before. No oasis in sight. I really need to be a camel to survive. However, just by reading someone's humorous recordings of some pretty rotten things happening to him, and his attempts at giving up, yet somehow, he hasn't, has made me realize that I really don't have an option to give up. The cosmic universe won't allow me to.
The following came to me while I was having lunch with a different friend last week. Wasn't even part of the conversation. Just the words hopped in my mind like a gnat on an orange at a picnic.
"Embrace it." This sentence is 5 days old. I haven't done much hard praying time since then, so I don't know quite what that means yet. I'm suspecting that it has something to do with attitude, and I have the dryness anyway, and can't do anything more than I am already doing about it, so might as well push through. Use it to my advantage…if that's possible. Or just to be spiteful to satan and really piss him off. He delights in my sadness, so if I gain some kind of spiritual muscles during a time when I'm supposed to be sad, all better… nah nah nah.
Oh, and by the way, apparently my blog has been viewed over 1000 times, yet not one comment. How long does one have to complain about feeling isolated that someone SAYS SOMETHING?
Thank you (you know who you are), for your inspiration. You are in my prayers.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008 Topic: Clean Mood Anxious

Pure, simple, clean. This is one of the images I get when I think of Lent, and a bit earlier, new year resolutions. A new start. Time to brush away the cobwebs, clean out the closet, and bleach (or if you are snoop, bleeeoooochh " ) the counters. Ok, enough metaphors.
One of my New years resolutions, and then continuing on into Lent each year has been to simplify. Yes, I still do some other forms of giving up, such as ice cream. I loves me my chocolate shakes. However, I usually find some form of inspiration each year to at least think about watching my budget closer, decluttering, getting rid of things. That’s the kicker. Which things? Trying to evaluate if "I’ll need this someday" is the tough ass-kicking question that I can never answer fully or correctly. A few things are pretty obvious of course. Some, not so much
Examples:
OBVIOUS: small lawn mower that starter spring is broken and wheel fell off. (however, draining the oil and pinpointing the bulk pick up date is the challenge)
NOT SO OBVIOUS: Entertainment center that is too big for my living room and doesn’t match, but is in good condition and my brother would be upset if I got rid of it because he moved it-Twice. Will I ever have a finished basement for it?
These are the problems I come across that stagnate my momentum of "simplifying." That and I’m a procrastinator and multi-tasker. My myerrs-briggs prayer is "Lord, help me to keep my mind on one thing …look a bird…. At a time. I’m also an extrovert, so I’m not one to want to stay home by myself, purging my house of things. Speaking of extroverts….ahhh…. I told you. Where was I? Multi-tasking or simplifying?
Now, I’m not a hoarder by any means. I don’t like lots of decorative items. Just a few simple things, but like any homeowner, the basement becomes storage for things that you just can’t make a decision about. Looking at that pile of receipts that needs to be purged, I feel like I want to take my extroverted self out for some chocolate ice cream.
Lord, create in me a clean heart.

Sunday, March 23, 2008 Topic: Too Much mood: Blessed

I got to laugh last night. A real hearty laugh. I haven’t been able to reach down inside for that in a long time. It was nice. I want to laugh more.
Just going back and reading my post yesterday, I realize how much more I need to tithe. Soooo many folks have nothing to eat. Babies are being killed every day by their mothers. I’m talking about having too much stuff.
God, Create in me a clean heart.

Saturday March 15, 2008 Topic:: Change Mood: Inspired

I’ve gotten use to the dryness. I’m still not happy about it, or content, but the dull ache has become…well, dull.
Part of my job is leading music for Mass and other liturgical times, like adoration. When I first experienced adoration with music, it was incredible. For a long time it was an amazing way for me to pray. Since I play music for it now, obviously it’s a little bit different. There’s not much freedom to immerse deeply…I have to think about the song, words, and key. Its not bad, just different.
Last month, I went to adoration (was not leading music) on a youth ministers retreat. I noticed then that the experience isn’t the same anymore. It doesn’t bother me to follow someone else at all. I enjoy not having to work. However, my ability to enter into prayer during those times when I’m not working has changed. I might have played a particular chorus of a song about 50 times that week. I don’t know if my ability to be free has left, or if God is not wooing me as much anymore.
Tonight I played music for adoration for our Lifeteen youth retreat. I’ve played for every retreat for them for the past 5 ½ years. Tonight, by far, was tops. The pastor was a little late, so we had to "stall". We sang a few songs before adoration, including the Hail Mary. I wonder if that’s what did it. The intensity of the prayer was amazing. Seeing the posture and the faces of the teens, longing for their Lord, and hearing the loud singing, was very moving for me. I am quite honored and humbled to be able to do what I do.
I love you guys! Thank you.

Tuesday April 1, 2008 Topic: Theft Mood: Bullied

So lots has happened over the last couple weeks…and I guess a lot of is blogworthy, but it has also kept me so busy that blogging isn’t the first item on my to do list.
Speaking of to-do lists… mine is long. After Easter, you would think life would slow down. Well, I got a day off. Then it was back at it. It’s wedding season. (bridezillas get a blog entry all on their own). It’s sacramental season (here comes first communion, confirmation, etc).
Well, I’ll start with the first event. I blogged about the retreat, but didn’t tell about the little thing that led up to it. Thievery. That’s right….someone stole stuff. From CHURCH! I walk in Sunday morning and discovered 2 amps stolen. (Friday packing up the keyboard for retreat, I discovered the keyboard stand taken-not the keyboard, but the stand). We reported it, and discovered that there had been other churches robbed. In the mean time, I go into the nearby pawn shop to tell the guy to watch out for it. Interesting experience. Kind of like shaking the hand of a used car salesman. (not the owner himself, just the nature of the shop).
Well, apparently the amps were found at another pawn shop 45 minutes away, however no one that uses them regularly can ID anything specific about them (scratches, etc). So I gotta take a trip with someone to ID them.
Today, the news crew decides to interview me and the pastor. A 5 minute interview was cut to one sentence, which is fine. However, the backdrop shown was the equipment we do have sitting in the church. Thanks for advertising what we still have available to be stolen, news people!
This has presented an opportunity to upgrade equipment though. NEW TOYS!

Wednesday April 2, 2008 Topic: What I learned from a dog Mood:Sad

2 living places ago, I was a foster mom to dogs through a pet shelter. These animals were either sick or were just depressed from living at the shelter for so long, so I would take them home for a week so they get some TLC, get healthy, and hopefully go back to get adopted.
Life got in the way with moving, getting roommates, buying a house, roommate leaving, etc. I’ve settled in, and have been thinking more about getting a dog, but I wanted to make sure I’m up for the commitment before getting one permanently, so I signed up to foster again. Enter Dylan.
Dylan is a 7 month old Westie with a broken leg. His past owners had kids whose tricycle hit and broke his leg. Instead of bringing the dog to the vet, they brought him to the adoption center, apparently because they didn’t have the time to spend with him. Obviously, they didn’t want the vet bills either.
I brought Dylan to my parents house first, and mom held him while I left the room for something. He cried, and I had only known him 1 hour. First day at my house we played fetch, in which he just took his toy into his bed, where he felt safe. Another fetch game, he dropped his toy and just climbed in my lap. He just wanted to be held. It was obvious, when I had to correct him sternly when working on house breaking, that he was hit, because he cowered often.
Trips outside were a big event. Of course, this was the wettest muddiest week all year. Dylan would just follow me back inside so I had to go with him, find my shoes, coat, put a plastic bag around his cast, put on his leash, and go out and beg him to go. Yea, great fun, 3 AM in my pajamas saying "Dylan, go potty." Meanwhile he gets distracted by a leaf blowing down the street, and did I mention this was the WETTEST week of the year? We come back inside and we wipe paws, take the bag off the cast, he shakes the rain off his fur, and we go back to bed for 2 hours, all to do it all over again.
Of all the dogs I have taken care of, this one by far was the sweetest ever. I lost a lot of sleep because of him (like a newborn in some ways). Yes, he slept with me. He would have cried in his bed all night, we tried it. He would curl up in the break of my knees in bed. He really started coming out of his shell about 4 days in. He started barking at noises, trying to protect me. He was getting attached pretty quickly.
In comparison to so many others, my life has been pretty peachy. However, suffering is definitely relative, and I’ve definitely had my share of emotional abuse, betrayal, and heart-ache. Dad was not very loving to me, and often yelled at the smallest things. (More than once I got yelled at because I had constant coughing at night…no kidding).
So Dylan is hurt, abused, and given away by the only family he has ever known. He has to undergo painful surgery to fix his leg- remember animals have no idea whats going on, all they know is that they are hurting. His leg is in a cast and he is driven by strangers to a shelter, then given to me, another stranger. When he drops his toy and climbs in my lap, loving me, I lose it. I’m tearing up writing about it now. This scared traumatized puppy is able to trust and love me even after going through all that he has gone through, and seemingly so easily. Every day I wished I could speak dog so I could make him understand that I wasn’t going to hit him. Like God sending His son so that we can understand God’s love. Perhaps I can trust God again.
I never got attached to any of my foster dogs before, until now. I had to give him back today because there is a family that is going to adopt him. I’m relieved that he isn’t staying any longer because we both were getting attached, and I definitely don’t want him feeling abandoned again.
I’m gonna miss my little pooch that taught me so much.

Thursday Apr 10, 2008 Topic: I Can hear music Mood: Imaginative

I’ve always been aware of the power of music. I’ve always known that music can have amazing effects on my mood and emotions. Recently, I’ve been listening (or watching on you tube) some different little tidbits of songs that are making things inside me stir. They are touching deep emotions, sometimes because of the lyrics, sometimes because of the music, or both, or sometimes because of the sheer silliness of the song. Although I can recognize "high art" in music, film, and other genres, I also can appreciate things for what they are, too. What I mean is that I know very well that most comedy movies don’t have the best acting, blocking, or artistic flare in them, they are what they are, and I can watch to escape from life, laugh a little bit, and forget my troubles.
Music is such an odd and complex thing to understand and talk about. A lot of appreciation is subjective, however, there is objectivity to it as well. Those that know me know that I absolutely love Billy Joel. He has influenced me greatly in keeping me playing piano, as well as my style of playing. I also could give a dissertation on why his music is objectively good (eclectic, influenced from classical composers, reinventing himself, etc). It bothers me when someone says "Billy Joel sucks." They can’t back that up. It’s ok to not like it, that doesn’t mean its bad. I appreciate the objectively good music that Elton John writes, however, I don’t like it very much. It doesn’t mean I think he sucks. I also realize that modern rock musicians are not in the same category as classical composers. It’s a different genre, different goal, different motivation.
So, recently I’ve been dallying on you tube to catch some bootleg recordings of live performances.. And oh my gosh, I think I’ve opened up a can of worms. Some of these songs I listen to over and over. One thing or another will effect in me some way, whether it be amazement at the audience participation, or the lyrics triggering longings or desires, or causing me self-evaluation, or the music chord progression creating tension that causes mere emotion to stir. A couple of tunes were just funny…silly. They are presented in that manner, and the music that the lyrics are placed in confirm the silly intention. Oh, one other thing. I’m greatly affected by the passion in which musicians sing their songs. If you can feel their emotion in their singing, I can feel it too.
And another thing…I get even more satisfaction when I can connect with someone over music. I love being able to share a recording with someone and having them "get" what I hear in it…in some way.
Soo…. Are all 3 of you readers curious yet? Here you go:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xe-4e0cE7q0
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fnHAqwpVa08
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-tw3_1Z3cjM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JmR0Nq2LeO4


Sunday May 17, 2008 Topic: TOB Mood: Blessed

I will never see the world the same. I got some basics before by hearing Christopher West speak a few times, but after taking the "Theology of the Body Head and Heart Immersion Course" last week, I am changed. Forever.
I lost my heart awhile ago. I've talked before about things being dry, but I got in my own way a lot of the time too. This class was not just a class (even though the classroom atmosphere was mostly light, funny, and relaxed), but it allowed for God to seep into every pore. The prayer team behind the scenes intercessed for us, and thank God they did, because Satan attacks the family, and he was not happy. I got out of my own way last week, and allowed God to love me.
This class brought home the very reasons I do what I do. I got over the fight, and discovered again what I was fighting for.
I recommend EVERYONE to this class. Worth every penny.
I will never see the world the same

Monday October 27, 2008 Topic: Hurting Mood: Depressed
Dear Lord,

Do you think it would be possible that you might let me know that you are still with me in some way? It's been 3 years 2 months. Three very long years. I've stayed faithful to you. Not perfectly, I know, but faithful. I've kept coming back.

My friends have abandoned me, my basic emotional needs are not being met, everybody seems to assume that I mean the worst when I only want the best, and I don't know how much longer I can take things like this.

I know that I have no right asking the creator of the universe to answer me, but see, I trusted you. I trusted those promises you made in all the scripture passages about comforting me. I sing those songs at about 30-35 funerals a year and each time my heart agonizes over the fact that I haven't been comforted.

I've visited you so many times in adoration begging to hear or feel or receive something from you that would encourage me to keep going. That you were by my side and you hadn't abandoned me too. I've said many rosary novenas so that maybe your mother would approach you and help me out. I've played an average of 3-5 masses every weekend and tried to be faithful in my prayer. I've taken seriously the responsibilities you gave me 6 years ago playing for church and done my best in caring for the planning and playing the masses.

These intellectual pursuits make me more in awe of you. They give me a bigger understanding of who you are. But my heart is aching. And it hasn't stopped for over 3 years.

I've tried to be faithful to you. Can you please help me out? Please?