Fragile

This last month has probably been one of the most bipolar months I've ever had. No, I'm not bipolar, but the events in my life this month have led me to experience some of my highest, and then some of the lowest I have ever felt.

For a long time I have slowly been healing-- I recently reached a healthier point of trusting, letting my heart be more free. It wasn't quite euphoric, but on the way there. Well, satan was working on me overtime because he used that and I was deceived, resulting in being devastated.

In different interactions with people, this past month has included being used, tricked, manipulated, lied to, rejected, ignored, and discarded away. Not just once or twice, but several times, by several different people. I'm not claiming complete innocence in protecting my own dignity from the start, but I certainly didn't lead anyone into it. These situations made me feel like garbage, like I had no worth. Communication was cut off so I couldn't even express my thoughts, defend myself, or vent. This I think is the most frustrating thing. When one feels like they have no worth, its very easy to slip into living as if they had no worth. Lack of motivation, bitterness, sinfulness can very easily be consuming.

And to those of you who have ever done something like this to someone, if at all possible, I beg you, ask forgiveness from the person you have harmed. Please dont think lightly of the situation because the hurt and pain goes way deeper than you may think. The relief to their hearts, possibly a sense of justice, could be obtained and there might be a taste of mercy.

To anyone who is currently in a situation where they may be lowering someone's dignity-- Stop it. Be a bigger and better person, and stop being so rotten. The more you tear down someone else's dignity, the less human you are. (This is not meant to be insulting, this is actual theological truth. We become more fully alive and fully human-- meaning, the full integrated person we are called to be by God, the more pure and “gift” we make ourselves)

I have to say that I include myself in all of these groups, too, although this last month has been a very lonely time, that I haven't had much opportunity to do the “tearing down”... I haven't been as much of a “gift” either.

I'm ticked off. The emotions are extremely raw right now. I'm feeling them very deeply.

But this leads me into recognizing that something bigger is going on. I think God is pulling me closer to Him, and because of that, the enemy is working overtime on me. I haven't handled everything perfectly, but I keep going back, seeking forgiveness, praying for more grace to withstand the purification process.

In attending TOB events this summer, a couple of particular items stood out to me. Things I had been educated on already but my heart was ready to hear them for the first time.

The word is “beauty”.

Children have psychological/sexual (meaning difference of the sexes) development that they gain from each of their parents. It is an absolute MUST that a father allow his daughter to radiate her beauty and is physically affectionate with her. She holds this close to her heart, knowing deep inside of her intrinsic worth and is a member of the pinnacle of God's creation in her femininity.

I never got this. In fact, my dad took me out on the deck to razor my hair off several times (not buzz cut, just short)...I was mistaken for a boy a lot as a child. When I told my parents this bothered me, I was dismissed. My parents had no idea the wounds that were being caused, nor the disastrous effect that could result.

In growing up, I've tried seeking for some affirmation of my beauty in many ways, sinful at first, then in more integrated and healthy ways later as I became aware of the source of wounds and their antedote. It's still a work in progress...but I've come a long way. I still have a fragile heart, but I think that if we all considered everyone around us to have a fragile heart to handle with care, wouldn't be all be a little more tender with each other?

My last note is to anyone-- especially women, who is the victim currently or has been in the past of some kind of using, degrading, abusive, undignified behavior or even just on the receiving end of bitter words:

You are an unrepeatable, unique, beautiful gift from God to the world. You are close to His heart and you are worth more than any money, fame, or other worldly distractions that might be given a fake value on earth. You are master of your own mystery. Cling onto the Lord who created you, loves you, and sustains you. Open your heart to receive the lover (Jesus) who pursues you and is crazy about you, because He will not degrade, use, or betray you.

Even amongst all this turmoil, as the emotions are felt deeper, my senses are more heightened to passionate music (and art, etc) that display their ache for beauty.

This song, while cliché and a little cheesy, has lyrics that nail right on what is going on... and actually, what I heard before reading and listening to the lyrics was the subtle passions in the voice and instrumental licks. (several different versions had different nuances that drew me in).

Bridge over troubled Water

When you're weary Feeling small When tears are in your eyes I will dry them all

I'm on your side When times get rough And friends just can't be found
Like a bridge over troubled water I will lay me down

When you're down and out When you're on the street When evening falls so hard I will comfort you

I'll take your part When darkness comes And pain is all around
Like a bridge over troubled water I will lay me down

Sail on Silver Girl, Sail on by Your time has come to shine All your dreams are on their way

See how they shine If you need a friend I'm sailing right behind
Like a bridge over troubled water I will ease your mind