For the longest time, music would have an enormous effect on me. Some time ago, I grew numb and bored, not allowing it to do anything, and not looking into new music coming my way. Perhaps I was afraid of feeling, I don't know.
Then I started listening again. And there was music, and feeling, and emotion, and pain, and tears, and joy, and ohmygosh I can't sleep because my heart starts racing because this song excites me or moves me or touches my heart.
and it hurts. to feel again, is touching on that inner part that you know is buried.. and its going to really be painful to dig it up. But wow is it purifying. and agonizing. and beautiful.
And in order to cope, or to survive, I may have to slow down...you know, skip over a song so I can breathe. But I gotta go back and listen.
James Morrison: I Won't Let you Go
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sgRb_lfIZ6A
Right by your side
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ION03f9kGaw
Monday, February 3, 2014
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Exercise
I hit the exercise hard yesterday and today. Since January I’ve been watching the calories and doing a lot of activity/exercise. Lots of traveling for a month, so now that I’m back I want to pick up where I left off. I was reflecting on what I was feeling when I swam today: Very tired arms (little sore from weights and yesterday’s swim).
I’ve been thinking about spiritual “muscles”. This has come up several times lately in the lives of friends around me (and actually I’m in the midst of it as well). 7 years ago I experienced a huge disruption in my life which caused me to grieve very seriously. Now others looking on might not categorize this event as something that serious, however, due to my situation, the circumstances of my life leading up to it as well as where I was during, it became a large ordeal. This caused me to dive into prayer. This could be a good thing, but the prayer was so dry and empty that it was discouraging to continue. Several friends of mine have recently “broken up” with a serious relationship, or experienced some other sort of serious heart breaking situation, and it seems that most of them are going through a similar experience.
In a nutshell, when we lift weights, we are actually tearing down muscle tissue. Then, in the resting time following, the muscle rebuilds itself and heals and becomes stronger. We have to experience the discomfort of the “tearing down” in order to “build up”.
When we pray, and it’s an experience of feeling full, peaceful, and joy, praise God. That keeps us going--- like endorphins. God knows when we need that. Sometimes we need to just walk slowly on the treadmill. Sometimes we have to have a rest day. If all we did was have rest days, well, we all know what happens then—we get lazy. We get complacent. We take things for granted. Then we get sick easier, more tired, etc
But when God plays hide and seek with us—when He seemingly disappears (He hasn’t, He is still with you, but you just can’t sense Him), we have to work harder. We have to exercise the spiritual muscles in order to grow. We “Tear down” (read: grow in humility) so He can build us back up. God is acting as our personal trainer hollering: RUN! Or just 5 more—you can do it!
I’ve never been a complete couch potato. I’ve gone in cycles with my exercising (I could swim a mile). Since I’ve started this past January though, my intervals are longer and faster. My heart muscle and lungs have gotten stronger, which gives them a bigger capacity. So when building the spiritual muscles, I have a bigger capacity for love, and to receive more of God’s love that I wasn’t capable of holding before.
I’ve been thinking about spiritual “muscles”. This has come up several times lately in the lives of friends around me (and actually I’m in the midst of it as well). 7 years ago I experienced a huge disruption in my life which caused me to grieve very seriously. Now others looking on might not categorize this event as something that serious, however, due to my situation, the circumstances of my life leading up to it as well as where I was during, it became a large ordeal. This caused me to dive into prayer. This could be a good thing, but the prayer was so dry and empty that it was discouraging to continue. Several friends of mine have recently “broken up” with a serious relationship, or experienced some other sort of serious heart breaking situation, and it seems that most of them are going through a similar experience.
In a nutshell, when we lift weights, we are actually tearing down muscle tissue. Then, in the resting time following, the muscle rebuilds itself and heals and becomes stronger. We have to experience the discomfort of the “tearing down” in order to “build up”.
When we pray, and it’s an experience of feeling full, peaceful, and joy, praise God. That keeps us going--- like endorphins. God knows when we need that. Sometimes we need to just walk slowly on the treadmill. Sometimes we have to have a rest day. If all we did was have rest days, well, we all know what happens then—we get lazy. We get complacent. We take things for granted. Then we get sick easier, more tired, etc
But when God plays hide and seek with us—when He seemingly disappears (He hasn’t, He is still with you, but you just can’t sense Him), we have to work harder. We have to exercise the spiritual muscles in order to grow. We “Tear down” (read: grow in humility) so He can build us back up. God is acting as our personal trainer hollering: RUN! Or just 5 more—you can do it!
I’ve never been a complete couch potato. I’ve gone in cycles with my exercising (I could swim a mile). Since I’ve started this past January though, my intervals are longer and faster. My heart muscle and lungs have gotten stronger, which gives them a bigger capacity. So when building the spiritual muscles, I have a bigger capacity for love, and to receive more of God’s love that I wasn’t capable of holding before.
Monday, June 18, 2012
Artist
God is the divine artist. Think of your most intense moment working on whatever art you are gifted with. Time doesn't exist. You are complete and utterly present and focused on the object- the small nuanced brush strokes, the space between the notes, the one augmented chord to give hope, the subtle timing in humor, the perfect articulation of poetry, true real beauty. This intense passion you had for a flash moment is merely a drop of water in an ocean of mercy that is love. The intense timeless crazy head over heels love and care that God has in his masterful work of art that is you. Stop fighting him, He's painting. God is the divine artist.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Wedding Schmedding
I have been intending to do a full out rant on the bridezilla trend, however, something just came up that I wanted to comment on because its fresh on my mind. I may still do the rant, or it may come in parts... we'll see.
When I started playing music for weddings on a regular basis, I noticed that a lot of brides were coming in with the same thoughts of wedding music. Some of which weren't appropriate for a catholic wedding, some were just cliche. I decided to do a little research on where they were getting these ideas, and exactly what was being told. I did some google searches and ended up on a wedding website. This particular site has forums, and an actual forum for “Catholic brides”. With intrigue, I read the q&a there, and saw many misunderstandings and incorrect answers given about almost everything mostly from anecdotal stories. There were a few orthodox Catholics there that were pretty knowledgeable. I stuck around to correct some errors, and I go back occasionally as I usually get sucked into places where I can witness to the faith.
The latest posting (not in the Catholic forum, but in a generic one) is such a blatant and obvious example that the wedding industry has taken over many people's ability to think clearly when engaged.
Ok so my future hubby and I live together and we just ordered our save the dates with our address on them. My mom said I need to reorder them without our address on them because if it gets back to the church that we are living together before we are married they will not marry us. Is it true that they will not marry us if we live together before hand? Kind of freaking out a bit....I may have to re-order my STDs (save the dates)...UGH!
My problems:
1. Mom encouraging and bride not even hesitating about keeping secret the living arrangements. All for a “Wedding”. Never mind if its a real or valid marriage, or if its come about honestly. (No I'm not saying those living together can't get married validly, but the lying to the priest is representative of bigger issues that show up at annulment time).
2. The biggest issue in her mind is that she may have to reorder “save the dates” with the address changed.
3. Not one mention or concern that the fact that they are living together is actually a problem, or that the church actually has reasons for discouraging it.
4. All the advice given on the board so far has been how to get around a priest that my encourage living apart... or that they can't deny the marriage because of it. Not one iota of a consideration to heeding the advice.
Now my reason for posting here is not to go into the benefits of a couple not living together before marriage. (and I can do that, I've got facts, stuff about Theology of the Body, etc).
This particular post is just one example of the 2 main issues I see:
Today, the “wedding” schtuff is taking precedence over any consideration about the marriage itself, even to the point that the marriage isn't even really considered, as long as miss bride gets her way.
It seems that it is never considered that there are reasons the church has “rules” and encouarages certain behavior, espcially of those asking for a Sacrament. And that instead of looking to be an exception the rule, one can actually benefit by following it.
When I started playing music for weddings on a regular basis, I noticed that a lot of brides were coming in with the same thoughts of wedding music. Some of which weren't appropriate for a catholic wedding, some were just cliche. I decided to do a little research on where they were getting these ideas, and exactly what was being told. I did some google searches and ended up on a wedding website. This particular site has forums, and an actual forum for “Catholic brides”. With intrigue, I read the q&a there, and saw many misunderstandings and incorrect answers given about almost everything mostly from anecdotal stories. There were a few orthodox Catholics there that were pretty knowledgeable. I stuck around to correct some errors, and I go back occasionally as I usually get sucked into places where I can witness to the faith.
The latest posting (not in the Catholic forum, but in a generic one) is such a blatant and obvious example that the wedding industry has taken over many people's ability to think clearly when engaged.
Ok so my future hubby and I live together and we just ordered our save the dates with our address on them. My mom said I need to reorder them without our address on them because if it gets back to the church that we are living together before we are married they will not marry us. Is it true that they will not marry us if we live together before hand? Kind of freaking out a bit....I may have to re-order my STDs (save the dates)...UGH!
My problems:
1. Mom encouraging and bride not even hesitating about keeping secret the living arrangements. All for a “Wedding”. Never mind if its a real or valid marriage, or if its come about honestly. (No I'm not saying those living together can't get married validly, but the lying to the priest is representative of bigger issues that show up at annulment time).
2. The biggest issue in her mind is that she may have to reorder “save the dates” with the address changed.
3. Not one mention or concern that the fact that they are living together is actually a problem, or that the church actually has reasons for discouraging it.
4. All the advice given on the board so far has been how to get around a priest that my encourage living apart... or that they can't deny the marriage because of it. Not one iota of a consideration to heeding the advice.
Now my reason for posting here is not to go into the benefits of a couple not living together before marriage. (and I can do that, I've got facts, stuff about Theology of the Body, etc).
This particular post is just one example of the 2 main issues I see:
Today, the “wedding” schtuff is taking precedence over any consideration about the marriage itself, even to the point that the marriage isn't even really considered, as long as miss bride gets her way.
It seems that it is never considered that there are reasons the church has “rules” and encouarages certain behavior, espcially of those asking for a Sacrament. And that instead of looking to be an exception the rule, one can actually benefit by following it.
Friday, January 21, 2011
Subtlety
Another one for you music geeks:
I enjoy subtle nuances in music. (Was that repetitive? Subtle nuance? I needed a noun). These little "nods" can sometimes be like inside jokes or it can make you long for a little more, because its not overdone.
Examples of "subtlety"...
Straight no Chaser "Hark the Herald/Angels we have heard".
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O2PedMcs8fA
The arrangement is magnificent, the change in chord progression is only just a little different, and the execution of it is heavenly. Not oversung...they aren't having to restrain, but just giving it the right "touch." In their live shows, many songs contain choreography and cheesy mugging, but this one is done with reverence. This arrangement does contain a lot of layers, however, the way they all end up in the pinnacle part of the chorus, which is the unexpected minor chord that rounds off to end the word, is just the right amount of umph. A gentle breeze rather than hurricane winds.
Dave Matthews "Christmas Song"
I know its old, but the simplicity of just guitar and voice take away distractions from the meaning of the lyrics. The song stands by itself, it doesn't need lots of layers or instrumentation to grab you. The back and forth of a free flowy kind of feel in the verse to the 2&4 time kept in the chorus helps you listen to the story, then hear the point made.
When coming across subtlety when watching a music group live or listening to a recording, I get little surges of pleasure in catching it. While the main idea of the music maybe be enjoyable enough, its the little nuances that make the idea all the more stated. or ...er...understated. ..anyway...
My point?
Well, lately, God has been giving me subtle nudges. I don't just mean "small", even though they are, but its "nuanced". It's part of a larger piece of music...a larger work of art.
I thought I was in the bridge of my song...my "song of life"...thought I knew what was coming because the last chorus is just the same as the first, but more satisfying, and perhaps God might throw me a curve ball with a coda. Nope. I think perhaps I've done a chorus to start, and I'm finishing out the first verse. The chorus is the fact that I'm a Catholic Christian. It's my blueprint...my basis, the main idea. The verses are different eras in my life and how I live in light of that main idea. I'm figuring bridges are either some kind of trauma or larger change in direction. Some songs don't have a bridge, many do, and when the bridge is too early in a song, (sometimes like those old gershwin tunes that do a long intro bridge that no one remembers...you know why? because its the bridge that is done too early...without the main idea stated yet, its got no legs yet), when the bridge is too early it can lead to disaster, or be confusing. When one doesn't have their faith base yet, a trauma can be very harmful, but when one does have their faith, traumas are avenues to help us cling even more to God and it gives us strength...so we return back to the chorus...often with an uplifting key change.
(This metephor is working great for me...how long can I milk it?)
Back to subtlety: Lately, there have been a few moments that I noticed a little nudge. Like that unexpected chord, or the time dropping out to get back to the storytelling, something to make me take notice.
Now, I could actually write these experiences out, but that wouldn't be subtle, would it?
I enjoy subtle nuances in music. (Was that repetitive? Subtle nuance? I needed a noun). These little "nods" can sometimes be like inside jokes or it can make you long for a little more, because its not overdone.
Examples of "subtlety"...
Straight no Chaser "Hark the Herald/Angels we have heard".
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O2PedMcs8fA
The arrangement is magnificent, the change in chord progression is only just a little different, and the execution of it is heavenly. Not oversung...they aren't having to restrain, but just giving it the right "touch." In their live shows, many songs contain choreography and cheesy mugging, but this one is done with reverence. This arrangement does contain a lot of layers, however, the way they all end up in the pinnacle part of the chorus, which is the unexpected minor chord that rounds off to end the word, is just the right amount of umph. A gentle breeze rather than hurricane winds.
Dave Matthews "Christmas Song"
I know its old, but the simplicity of just guitar and voice take away distractions from the meaning of the lyrics. The song stands by itself, it doesn't need lots of layers or instrumentation to grab you. The back and forth of a free flowy kind of feel in the verse to the 2&4 time kept in the chorus helps you listen to the story, then hear the point made.
When coming across subtlety when watching a music group live or listening to a recording, I get little surges of pleasure in catching it. While the main idea of the music maybe be enjoyable enough, its the little nuances that make the idea all the more stated. or ...er...understated. ..anyway...
My point?
Well, lately, God has been giving me subtle nudges. I don't just mean "small", even though they are, but its "nuanced". It's part of a larger piece of music...a larger work of art.
I thought I was in the bridge of my song...my "song of life"...thought I knew what was coming because the last chorus is just the same as the first, but more satisfying, and perhaps God might throw me a curve ball with a coda. Nope. I think perhaps I've done a chorus to start, and I'm finishing out the first verse. The chorus is the fact that I'm a Catholic Christian. It's my blueprint...my basis, the main idea. The verses are different eras in my life and how I live in light of that main idea. I'm figuring bridges are either some kind of trauma or larger change in direction. Some songs don't have a bridge, many do, and when the bridge is too early in a song, (sometimes like those old gershwin tunes that do a long intro bridge that no one remembers...you know why? because its the bridge that is done too early...without the main idea stated yet, its got no legs yet), when the bridge is too early it can lead to disaster, or be confusing. When one doesn't have their faith base yet, a trauma can be very harmful, but when one does have their faith, traumas are avenues to help us cling even more to God and it gives us strength...so we return back to the chorus...often with an uplifting key change.
(This metephor is working great for me...how long can I milk it?)
Back to subtlety: Lately, there have been a few moments that I noticed a little nudge. Like that unexpected chord, or the time dropping out to get back to the storytelling, something to make me take notice.
Now, I could actually write these experiences out, but that wouldn't be subtle, would it?
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Spiritual Direction
I met with a new spiritual director yesterday. He doesn't know if he can take me on regularly, however, I'll appreciate any time I get with this guy. He was uh may zing.
He knew exactly the right questions to ask when, he could discern exactly where I was, he had the right balance of empathy and challenges, but completely validated my stuff. Very gifted.
The major thing I realized I need to do is become detached to certain desires. (No, not THOSE kind). Just specific things in my life that have become more of a focus, so much so that any prayer is particularly painful because it is always about that focus. To be clear, this does not mean I want or pray for those desires to be taken away...not at all. It just means I stop clinging so hard...perhaps if I've even made them a "god" in a way...I gotta work on letting go.
After my meeting I came home and picked up the rosary. I got stuck, early on. Like, the first line early. "I believe in God.... " I kept saying that over and over..what does this mean? Do I REALLY believe in God, the father almighty, who made heaven and earth? Cause if I really and truly did, why is it so gosh darn hard to trust him? So I think my prayer for detachment is going to be using this line of the creed for meditation, hopefully contemplating the mystery of a God who willed my being, wills my breath, and has a plan...one thats better than I have for myself. Cause there is a God and its not me.
This means I have some many painful times in adoration waiting for me. It means I will be begging God to help me become detached, because I certainly can't do it on my own. Will you pray for me?
He knew exactly the right questions to ask when, he could discern exactly where I was, he had the right balance of empathy and challenges, but completely validated my stuff. Very gifted.
The major thing I realized I need to do is become detached to certain desires. (No, not THOSE kind). Just specific things in my life that have become more of a focus, so much so that any prayer is particularly painful because it is always about that focus. To be clear, this does not mean I want or pray for those desires to be taken away...not at all. It just means I stop clinging so hard...perhaps if I've even made them a "god" in a way...I gotta work on letting go.
After my meeting I came home and picked up the rosary. I got stuck, early on. Like, the first line early. "I believe in God.... " I kept saying that over and over..what does this mean? Do I REALLY believe in God, the father almighty, who made heaven and earth? Cause if I really and truly did, why is it so gosh darn hard to trust him? So I think my prayer for detachment is going to be using this line of the creed for meditation, hopefully contemplating the mystery of a God who willed my being, wills my breath, and has a plan...one thats better than I have for myself. Cause there is a God and its not me.
This means I have some many painful times in adoration waiting for me. It means I will be begging God to help me become detached, because I certainly can't do it on my own. Will you pray for me?
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
song lyrics
This song perfectly describes what's in me right now. Perfectly
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sbe7VZGbieU
Well sometimes the sun shines on
Other people's houses and not mine.
Some days the clouds paint the sky all gray
And it takes away my summertime.
Somehow the sun keeps shining upon you,
While I struggle to get mine.
If there's a light in everybody,
Send out your ray of sunshine.
I want to walk the same roads as everybody else,
Through the trees and past the gates.
Getting high on heavenly breezes,
Making new friends along the way.
I won't ask much of nobody,
I'm just here to sing along.
And make my mistakes looks gracious,
And learn some lessons from my wrongs.
Well sometimes the sun shines on
Other people's houses and not mine.
Some days the clouds paint the sky all gray
And it takes away my summertime.
Somehow the sun keeps shining upon you,
While I struggle to get mine.
A little light never hurt nobody,
Send out your ray of sunshine.
Oh, if this little light of mine
Combined with yours today,
How many watts could we luminate?
How many villages could we save?
My umbrella's tired of the weather,
Wearing me down.
Well, look at me now.
You should look as good as your outlook,
Would you mind if I took some time,
to soak up your light, your beautiful light?
You've got a paradise inside.
I get hungry for love and thirsty for life,
And much too full on the pain,
When I look to the sky to help me
And sometimes it looks like rain.
As the sun shines on other people's houses
And not mine,
And the sky paints those clouds in a way
That it takes away the summertime,
Somehow the sun keeps shining upon you,
while I kindly stand by.
If theres a light in everybody,
Send out your ray of sunshine
You're undeniably warm, you're cerulean,
You're perfect in desire.
Won't you hang around
so the sun, it can shine on me,
And the clouds they can roll away,
And the sky can become a possibility?
If there's a light in everybody,
Send out your ray of sunshine.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sbe7VZGbieU
Well sometimes the sun shines on
Other people's houses and not mine.
Some days the clouds paint the sky all gray
And it takes away my summertime.
Somehow the sun keeps shining upon you,
While I struggle to get mine.
If there's a light in everybody,
Send out your ray of sunshine.
I want to walk the same roads as everybody else,
Through the trees and past the gates.
Getting high on heavenly breezes,
Making new friends along the way.
I won't ask much of nobody,
I'm just here to sing along.
And make my mistakes looks gracious,
And learn some lessons from my wrongs.
Well sometimes the sun shines on
Other people's houses and not mine.
Some days the clouds paint the sky all gray
And it takes away my summertime.
Somehow the sun keeps shining upon you,
While I struggle to get mine.
A little light never hurt nobody,
Send out your ray of sunshine.
Oh, if this little light of mine
Combined with yours today,
How many watts could we luminate?
How many villages could we save?
My umbrella's tired of the weather,
Wearing me down.
Well, look at me now.
You should look as good as your outlook,
Would you mind if I took some time,
to soak up your light, your beautiful light?
You've got a paradise inside.
I get hungry for love and thirsty for life,
And much too full on the pain,
When I look to the sky to help me
And sometimes it looks like rain.
As the sun shines on other people's houses
And not mine,
And the sky paints those clouds in a way
That it takes away the summertime,
Somehow the sun keeps shining upon you,
while I kindly stand by.
If theres a light in everybody,
Send out your ray of sunshine
You're undeniably warm, you're cerulean,
You're perfect in desire.
Won't you hang around
so the sun, it can shine on me,
And the clouds they can roll away,
And the sky can become a possibility?
If there's a light in everybody,
Send out your ray of sunshine.
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