Praying My Voice Out

Wedding Schmedding

2011-02-08T14:36:00.001-06:00

I have been intending to do a full out rant on the bridezilla trend, however, something just came up that I wanted to comment on because its fresh on my mind. I may still do the rant, or it may come in parts... we'll see.
When I started playing music for weddings on a regular basis, I noticed that a lot of brides were coming in with the same thoughts of wedding music. Some of which weren't appropriate for a catholic wedding, some were just cliche. I decided to do a little research on where they were getting these ideas, and exactly what was being told. I did some google searches and ended up on a wedding website. This particular site has forums, and an actual forum for “Catholic brides”. With intrigue, I read the q&a there, and saw many misunderstandings and incorrect answers given about almost everything mostly from anecdotal stories. There were a few orthodox Catholics there that were pretty knowledgeable. I stuck around to correct some errors, and I go back occasionally as I usually get sucked into places where I can witness to the faith.

The latest posting (not in the Catholic forum, but in a generic one) is such a blatant and obvious example that the wedding industry has taken over many people's ability to think clearly when engaged.

Ok so my future hubby and I live together and we just ordered our save the dates with our address on them. My mom said I need to reorder them without our address on them because if it gets back to the church that we are living together before we are married they will not marry us. Is it true that they will not marry us if we live together before hand? Kind of freaking out a bit....I may have to re-order my STDs (save the dates)...UGH!

My problems:

1. Mom encouraging and bride not even hesitating about keeping secret the living arrangements. All for a “Wedding”. Never mind if its a real or valid marriage, or if its come about honestly. (No I'm not saying those living together can't get married validly, but the lying to the priest is representative of bigger issues that show up at annulment time).
2. The biggest issue in her mind is that she may have to reorder “save the dates” with the address changed.
3. Not one mention or concern that the fact that they are living together is actually a problem, or that the church actually has reasons for discouraging it.
4. All the advice given on the board so far has been how to get around a priest that my encourage living apart... or that they can't deny the marriage because of it. Not one iota of a consideration to heeding the advice.

Now my reason for posting here is not to go into the benefits of a couple not living together before marriage. (and I can do that, I've got facts, stuff about Theology of the Body, etc).

This particular post is just one example of the 2 main issues I see:
Today, the “wedding” schtuff is taking precedence over any consideration about the marriage itself, even to the point that the marriage isn't even really considered, as long as miss bride gets her way.
It seems that it is never considered that there are reasons the church has “rules” and encouarages certain behavior, espcially of those asking for a Sacrament. And that instead of looking to be an exception the rule, one can actually benefit by following it.

Subtlety

2011-01-21T23:38:00.002-06:00

Another one for you music geeks:

I enjoy subtle nuances in music. (Was that repetitive? Subtle nuance? I needed a noun). These little "nods" can sometimes be like inside jokes or it can make you long for a little more, because its not overdone.

Examples of "subtlety"...
Straight no Chaser "Hark the Herald/Angels we have heard".

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O2PedMcs8fA

The arrangement is magnificent, the change in chord progression is only just a little different, and the execution of it is heavenly. Not oversung...they aren't having to restrain, but just giving it the right "touch." In their live shows, many songs contain choreography and cheesy mugging, but this one is done with reverence. This arrangement does contain a lot of layers, however, the way they all end up in the pinnacle part of the chorus, which is the unexpected minor chord that rounds off to end the word, is just the right amount of umph. A gentle breeze rather than hurricane winds.

Dave Matthews "Christmas Song"

I know its old, but the simplicity of just guitar and voice take away distractions from the meaning of the lyrics. The song stands by itself, it doesn't need lots of layers or instrumentation to grab you. The back and forth of a free flowy kind of feel in the verse to the 2&4 time kept in the chorus helps you listen to the story, then hear the point made.

When coming across subtlety when watching a music group live or listening to a recording, I get little surges of pleasure in catching it. While the main idea of the music maybe be enjoyable enough, its the little nuances that make the idea all the more stated. or ...er...understated. ..anyway...

My point?
Well, lately, God has been giving me subtle nudges. I don't just mean "small", even though they are, but its "nuanced". It's part of a larger piece of music...a larger work of art.

I thought I was in the bridge of my song...my "song of life"...thought I knew what was coming because the last chorus is just the same as the first, but more satisfying, and perhaps God might throw me a curve ball with a coda. Nope. I think perhaps I've done a chorus to start, and I'm finishing out the first verse. The chorus is the fact that I'm a Catholic Christian. It's my blueprint...my basis, the main idea. The verses are different eras in my life and how I live in light of that main idea. I'm figuring bridges are either some kind of trauma or larger change in direction. Some songs don't have a bridge, many do, and when the bridge is too early in a song, (sometimes like those old gershwin tunes that do a long intro bridge that no one remembers...you know why? because its the bridge that is done too early...without the main idea stated yet, its got no legs yet), when the bridge is too early it can lead to disaster, or be confusing. When one doesn't have their faith base yet, a trauma can be very harmful, but when one does have their faith, traumas are avenues to help us cling even more to God and it gives us strength...so we return back to the chorus...often with an uplifting key change.

(This metephor is working great for me...how long can I milk it?)

Back to subtlety: Lately, there have been a few moments that I noticed a little nudge. Like that unexpected chord, or the time dropping out to get back to the storytelling, something to make me take notice.

Now, I could actually write these experiences out, but that wouldn't be subtle, would it?

Spiritual Direction

2011-01-20T20:39:00.004-06:00

I met with a new spiritual director yesterday. He doesn't know if he can take me on regularly, however, I'll appreciate any time I get with this guy. He was uh may zing.

He knew exactly the right questions to ask when, he could discern exactly where I was, he had the right balance of empathy and challenges, but completely validated my stuff. Very gifted.

The major thing I realized I need to do is become detached to certain desires. (No, not THOSE kind). Just specific things in my life that have become more of a focus, so much so that any prayer is particularly painful because it is always about that focus. To be clear, this does not mean I want or pray for those desires to be taken away...not at all. It just means I stop clinging so hard...perhaps if I've even made them a "god" in a way...I gotta work on letting go.

After my meeting I came home and picked up the rosary. I got stuck, early on. Like, the first line early. "I believe in God.... " I kept saying that over and over..what does this mean? Do I REALLY believe in God, the father almighty, who made heaven and earth? Cause if I really and truly did, why is it so gosh darn hard to trust him? So I think my prayer for detachment is going to be using this line of the creed for meditation, hopefully contemplating the mystery of a God who willed my being, wills my breath, and has a plan...one thats better than I have for myself. Cause there is a God and its not me.

This means I have some many painful times in adoration waiting for me. It means I will be begging God to help me become detached, because I certainly can't do it on my own. Will you pray for me?

song lyrics

2010-12-28T23:01:00.000-06:00

This song perfectly describes what's in me right now. Perfectly

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sbe7VZGbieU

Well sometimes the sun shines on
Other people's houses and not mine.
Some days the clouds paint the sky all gray
And it takes away my summertime.
Somehow the sun keeps shining upon you,
While I struggle to get mine.
If there's a light in everybody,
Send out your ray of sunshine.

I want to walk the same roads as everybody else,
Through the trees and past the gates.
Getting high on heavenly breezes,
Making new friends along the way.
I won't ask much of nobody,
I'm just here to sing along.
And make my mistakes looks gracious,
And learn some lessons from my wrongs.

Well sometimes the sun shines on
Other people's houses and not mine.
Some days the clouds paint the sky all gray
And it takes away my summertime.
Somehow the sun keeps shining upon you,
While I struggle to get mine.
A little light never hurt nobody,
Send out your ray of sunshine.

Oh, if this little light of mine
Combined with yours today,
How many watts could we luminate?
How many villages could we save?
My umbrella's tired of the weather,
Wearing me down.
Well, look at me now.

You should look as good as your outlook,
Would you mind if I took some time,
to soak up your light, your beautiful light?
You've got a paradise inside.
I get hungry for love and thirsty for life,
And much too full on the pain,
When I look to the sky to help me
And sometimes it looks like rain.

As the sun shines on other people's houses
And not mine,
And the sky paints those clouds in a way
That it takes away the summertime,
Somehow the sun keeps shining upon you,
while I kindly stand by.
If theres a light in everybody,
Send out your ray of sunshine

You're undeniably warm, you're cerulean,
You're perfect in desire.
Won't you hang around
so the sun, it can shine on me,
And the clouds they can roll away,
And the sky can become a possibility?
If there's a light in everybody,
Send out your ray of sunshine.

Fragile

2010-08-07T23:26:00.000-05:00

This last month has probably been one of the most bipolar months I've ever had. No, I'm not bipolar, but the events in my life this month have led me to experience some of my highest, and then some of the lowest I have ever felt.

For a long time I have slowly been healing-- I recently reached a healthier point of trusting, letting my heart be more free. It wasn't quite euphoric, but on the way there. Well, satan was working on me overtime because he used that and I was deceived, resulting in being devastated.

In different interactions with people, this past month has included being used, tricked, manipulated, lied to, rejected, ignored, and discarded away. Not just once or twice, but several times, by several different people. I'm not claiming complete innocence in protecting my own dignity from the start, but I certainly didn't lead anyone into it. These situations made me feel like garbage, like I had no worth. Communication was cut off so I couldn't even express my thoughts, defend myself, or vent. This I think is the most frustrating thing. When one feels like they have no worth, its very easy to slip into living as if they had no worth. Lack of motivation, bitterness, sinfulness can very easily be consuming.

And to those of you who have ever done something like this to someone, if at all possible, I beg you, ask forgiveness from the person you have harmed. Please dont think lightly of the situation because the hurt and pain goes way deeper than you may think. The relief to their hearts, possibly a sense of justice, could be obtained and there might be a taste of mercy.

To anyone who is currently in a situation where they may be lowering someone's dignity-- Stop it. Be a bigger and better person, and stop being so rotten. The more you tear down someone else's dignity, the less human you are. (This is not meant to be insulting, this is actual theological truth. We become more fully alive and fully human-- meaning, the full integrated person we are called to be by God, the more pure and “gift” we make ourselves)

I have to say that I include myself in all of these groups, too, although this last month has been a very lonely time, that I haven't had much opportunity to do the “tearing down”... I haven't been as much of a “gift” either.

I'm ticked off. The emotions are extremely raw right now. I'm feeling them very deeply.

But this leads me into recognizing that something bigger is going on. I think God is pulling me closer to Him, and because of that, the enemy is working overtime on me. I haven't handled everything perfectly, but I keep going back, seeking forgiveness, praying for more grace to withstand the purification process.

In attending TOB events this summer, a couple of particular items stood out to me. Things I had been educated on already but my heart was ready to hear them for the first time.

The word is “beauty”.

Children have psychological/sexual (meaning difference of the sexes) development that they gain from each of their parents. It is an absolute MUST that a father allow his daughter to radiate her beauty and is physically affectionate with her. She holds this close to her heart, knowing deep inside of her intrinsic worth and is a member of the pinnacle of God's creation in her femininity.

I never got this. In fact, my dad took me out on the deck to razor my hair off several times (not buzz cut, just short)...I was mistaken for a boy a lot as a child. When I told my parents this bothered me, I was dismissed. My parents had no idea the wounds that were being caused, nor the disastrous effect that could result.

In growing up, I've tried seeking for some affirmation of my beauty in many ways, sinful at first, then in more integrated and healthy ways later as I became aware of the source of wounds and their antedote. It's still a work in progress...but I've come a long way. I still have a fragile heart, but I think that if we all considered everyone around us to have a fragile heart to handle with care, wouldn't be all be a little more tender with each other?

My last note is to anyone-- especially women, who is the victim currently or has been in the past of some kind of using, degrading, abusive, undignified behavior or even just on the receiving end of bitter words:

You are an unrepeatable, unique, beautiful gift from God to the world. You are close to His heart and you are worth more than any money, fame, or other worldly distractions that might be given a fake value on earth. You are master of your own mystery. Cling onto the Lord who created you, loves you, and sustains you. Open your heart to receive the lover (Jesus) who pursues you and is crazy about you, because He will not degrade, use, or betray you.

Even amongst all this turmoil, as the emotions are felt deeper, my senses are more heightened to passionate music (and art, etc) that display their ache for beauty.

This song, while cliché and a little cheesy, has lyrics that nail right on what is going on... and actually, what I heard before reading and listening to the lyrics was the subtle passions in the voice and instrumental licks. (several different versions had different nuances that drew me in).

Bridge over troubled Water

When you're weary Feeling small When tears are in your eyes I will dry them all

I'm on your side When times get rough And friends just can't be found
Like a bridge over troubled water I will lay me down

When you're down and out When you're on the street When evening falls so hard I will comfort you

I'll take your part When darkness comes And pain is all around
Like a bridge over troubled water I will lay me down

Sail on Silver Girl, Sail on by Your time has come to shine All your dreams are on their way

See how they shine If you need a friend I'm sailing right behind
Like a bridge over troubled water I will ease your mind

ENFP

2010-06-08T02:35:00.001-05:00

I am not inherently a neat person. It doesn't bother me to leave paper projects out- my lifeteen band can vouch for this as an alphabetized chart filing project has been on my table in my office for quite awhile now. They get to look at that while waiting for the last mass to get out.

But see, follow my logic now:

I have to plan ahead masses through the summer, cause then I have to put my binder together of those masses-- and why should I put all those charts away when I have to go back and get those songs out again? Kind of like making your bed...which is like tying shoes when they are off your feet. Doesn't make sense.

But anywho... having said all this, I can easily function as a neat person. I like to have things cleaned up and all that-- and I'm being serious here I can do it. I know I can because I have. When I had a roommate, I kept the common areas clean very easily. Happily even. When its left to just me, I'm not as motivated. When no one is coming over, I leave bills out, the stuff I bring in from the car sitting in the kitchen, the tool box still sitting out from 2 weeks ago, the papers still unfiled on my desk, etc.

Same with eating out too much. As an extrovert, it kills me to eat at home alone. I hate it...SO MUCH. I mean, I really really do. I'm not talking about a breakfast drink as I head out for an early work day, but dinner night after night. It sucks. It's horrible. It's terrifyingly lonely. Therefore, on many flex time days, by the time noon comes, I MUST get out of the house, and usually head to subway or Friday's or something. Depending on how much I've planned ahead, I sometimes bring dinner to work for my night meeting, or if I don't have a meeting, sometimes I eat at home or out again. It's a horrible waste of money and portions are always too much. But its a price I pay for my sanity. I've come to grow less guilty about it because I've embraced and learned about my needs stemming from my myerrs briggs type (ENFP)The prayer for my type is “Lord, help me to keep my mind on one thing 'LOOK a bird!' at a time.

However, I can easily function by cooking at home a lot. I know I can because I have. When I was dating someone last year, we would often have dinners at my house and I or he would cook. It was so pleasant, it was cheaper, and it worked.

making your way in the world today takes everything you got, sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your....

er.... anyway....I told you...”look a bird”...

Back to myerrs briggs: I heartily recommend this. I've taken it probably at least 5 times, the first back in 98. Extrovert, Intuitive, Feeler, Perceiver

the opposite is introvert, sensate, thinker, judger

They aren't exactly as they sound. As an extrovert I can easily plan and commit to social outings, even if I see a heavy week ahead, because I know what I'd like is to go to a good party after one. Introverts hesitate to commit, if they know themselves, because by the time the event comes, they may need to decompress on their own from whatever happened that week.

It is important to note...NEITHER is a negative. Introverts simply get their energy by being alone. Extroverts get it by processing in their output and being around other people.

After understanding the more nuanced definitions of the types, I have found a lot of amusement in observing others and the way they relate.

My Good Friday

2010-04-03T02:05:00.000-05:00

As a music director, I really don't get much of a chance to live a liturgical season as I'm planning and rehearsing music ahead- singing the “a” word during lent and such. Beginning in grade school I formed a bad habit of being on auto-pilot at Mass. When I first had a “conversion” and started caring about my faith in college, it was quite awhile after that I realized I was still on auto-pilot and zoning out during mass not thinking about anything really. I tried to start keeping my brain more active but that habit keeps coming back. It got a little better, and then I got a job as a music director. When one does 3-4 masses on average every Sunday, auto-pilot becomes a survival technique. I hear my cue: “Let us proclaim the mystery of faith:” to which I respond with the 4 chord intro to the memorial acclamation. No thought necessary. It's almost hypnotizing. This habit leaks over to my other masses I play during the week, and even worse, sometimes I discover after the 4th Sunday mass that I haven't really heard the Gospel. I was there, yes, but it didn't stick. The plan was to be “awake” for the first mass of the day, then allow myself to check out. Habits. Ugh.

Also, in the last few years, I've been metaphorically grasping some things rather than allowing God to give them to me as gifts, if only I would trust. (Think the fist around something in a jar and you can't get the fist out because its holding on to whatever...but if you let go, you can get your hand out and whatever else it is).

So yesterday, Good Friday, I decided to take some time with the Lord and remember his passion. Our altar of repose is in our daily mass chapel, so I went in there at 2:45 and said the sorrowful mysteries and divine mercy chaplet, and I forced myself to let the mysteries seep into me. IWell, it worked. My heart grew very heavy, and the tears came. I thought about His death and wounds and pain. I'm not scrupulous at all, but I think God allowed me to feel deeper sorrow at this event yesterday as a gift. I began what I know is going to be a long process of allowing God to love me and letting go of all the things I want. I got an impression, (not a vision/apparition), but just this image Jesus was pouring His precious blood into the tiny little space in my heart that I had just opened to Him.

At this time, when I'm exploring this experience with God and wondering what the source and benefit is, a couple people show up in the sacristy (next to the chapel) to set up things for the evening service. Now, I know that stuff has to be done. Perhaps this was the only time available for them, but it was the hour of mercy on Good Friday. At this time, I'm just thinking there's a couple of Martha's running around in church. It's amazing how easy it is to be judgmental of others when you discover it in yourself.

Anywho, the rest of the day I did an errand and some cleaning at home. I was aware of God's presence...not necessarily peaceful, but weighty. I had planned to work on taxes in the evening, but since God was at the top of my mind all day, decided to go to a neighboring parish for the service. I got there at the end of the gospel. During the homily which didn't have much substance, I read the gospel, and then participated in the rest. While waiting to reverence the cross, I was reading a couple surrendering prayers that I was very present too. I was really present to the rest of the service...didn't fall into the auto-pilot thing too much.

Well, I decided I wanted to go to confession. I had just gone 1 ½ weeks before, but I was wrestling with this “weight” and this intense experience that I needed some healing graces. Now I go to confession pretty often, and I don't have a fear of it. I also know that priests are very busy especially at this time. This evening after the service the 3 priests were hearing the first confessions of all those coming into the church this year at this parish. I found this out by asking the deacon. As one of the priests was walking in, I asked him if he could hear mine after they were done and he said “I guess...”. After they got started I approached a person who was directing people to the appropriate corners and asked if the sponsors were also going to confession and she said no. I asked if it would be ok to go after they were done, and she said she doesn't know if I should because there were some strict orders that only candidates were going that evening. I was disappointed. I can completely respect the situation, but I was disappointed. This also explains this priest's response to me.

Now, things to keep in mind: these priests may have been hearing confessions for hours that day. They've been up in the mornings and had late nights this week, and have another really late one tomorrow with early morning on Sunday. They've been doing penance services all Lent long. I get it- the RCIA sponsors and other Catholics should not be waiting till Good Friday to go to confession. (And I hadn't, either. This desire to go was a new development from the day). Now, if I had persisted and asked one of the priests when it was done, I'm sure they would have honored the request, too.

Here's my one problem with it: What if I was someone who had just decided to come back to church that night for the first time in 15 years? This small experience doesn't detour me, I set a meeting up with a friend tomorrow. I just hope that someone else hasn't gotten turned off by a small oversight like this.

I must end this portion with a toast to my beloved fathers in the church. I love you- and you are awesome. Thank you so much for your service and bringing Christ to the family. God bless you.

So on my way home, the tears start coming again. I get home and start crying..over what, I don't know. It isn't a peaceful or joyful cry, but its not one of pain or self-pity either. I can't seem to describe it. I remember a similar experience on my first awakening, sitting in the church- feeling a weight, feeling God's presence. Maybe he's just giving me a big bear hug so its hard to breathe.

All in all today I've spent about 3 ½ hours in deeper prayer, and the rest of the day with God at the top of my mind. This is more than I've done in the past several years put together I think. I've made efforts with rosaries and things, but haven't really immersed myself into it. I should try this more often.

Lent

2010-04-03T01:59:00.002-05:00

Before I start the actual post for today, I wanted to quick recap of Lent. Beginning the weekend after Ash Wednesday, I came down with strep. Fever got up to 105 and I ended up in the ER. This was the sickest I've ever been, and I think I was on the brink of dilusion at times. I could barely move for about 3 days--- taking 3 showers a day and alternating the fever meds to keep it from smoking. I was dizzy for a full 10 days that slowly went away after that. The soda thing went out the window when I was sporting a headache with the fever- I couldn't do caffeine withdrawal on top of being nearly dead.

Once I broke the stride, I didn't try very hard to start it up again. Well, I didn't have ice cream, my absolute favorite, except on a couple Sundays, so that was a success. I'd say the near death experience was a good start in offering some suffering for penance this year.

It Worked!

2010-02-17T18:20:00.002-06:00

Use to be easier for me during Lent. I gave up Soda no problem. When I needed to fast, I could. However, I use to be able to sleep in on Ash Wednesday. So my first “small meal” wasn’t consumed till after noon.

Now, I have a blood sugar/anxiety/endocrine/glycemic thing going on (which admittedly if I really worked at it I could fix it, or get it way better myself) that has me hooked on sugar. Soda, specifically. Anytime a stress comes up, my adrenaline shoots up, if I’m anywhere near hungry at the time, I have to eat or I’ll get light headed and lethargic. If I don’t have anything on hand, I go unhealthy because its fast and cheap. This leads to more addiction and up and down, etc. This makes a fasting day a dreading day for me. Now, I realize anyone with a health issue is exempt, but I CAN get by with the minimum requirements without any physical harm done.

Here’s the deal – Ash Wednesdays are now long and work filled days for me. Leave the house at 7 AM for First Mass at 8 AM- (leading a mass with a kids choir and band is adrenaline triggering for me as there is a lot to think about). Then, today I had a funeral at 10. This evening I have Mass at 7, with a choir rehearsal after until 9 PM.

Every Lent I start out with the best of intentions, giving up soda. Those bubbles…mmm mmm. Sometimes I don’t even make it through the first day. Today, during my last eating venture of the day, my “regular meal” I took a few sips of soda for the taste and bubbles. I quickly changed over to lite lemonade after that.

Soooo. .what do I mean by “it worked?” While I was sipping on the coke I thought of…is this that great? Was it worth it? I can’t give up bubbles for God who gave His life for me? Why do I hype it up so much? All day I thought about my actions, my fasting, the purpose, offering suffering, what I was really giving up compared to those who do without so much more (Haiti right now). I realized how insignificant these sacrifices were, yet so meaningful in my life. I stretched yet again in mastering myself. I feel right now (even though the day is far from over), that I have more strength and focus. I have more control (the good kind) of my work, my time, and my life. Early on I felt hungry and wanted to eat my next “allowed” portion, but I purposely delayed it a few hours…not only because I knew I had a long way to go in the day, but because I wanted to focus on that feeling of being hungry and pray for purification. Stomach is empty, more room for God.

While some find fasting extremely easy (and thank God for their graces they achieve for us that don’t), I wonder today if I wasn’t a bit like the poor widow who gave her last 2 coins. Such a small feat, but taught me so much.

Holidays

2009-12-05T14:16:00.001-06:00

I'm not a scrooge...really I'm not. Those that know me might sometimes get a feeling I might be though...wanna know why? Refer to my post on January 1, 2007, including “Christmas schedule”. All the rehearsals and stuff that goes into a Christmas concert is highly stressful. Not to mention the fact that the hours working during that week of Christmas/Sunday/New year holy day/Sunday of masses wears me out. (remember, multiple masses for each day- I'll be doing at least 12-14 masses this year in 9 days time).

I really am grateful for my job though. I know that lots of people are out of work right now, and I have a house, food, health insurance, and a full time salary. However, this type of job affects my whole lifestyle. Not only can I not fully enjoy family time (I'm too exhausted by the time Christmas afternoon comes around), but I can't be enjoying all the nice yummy treats and drinks that comes with the season either....I sing for a living.

Again, back to being grateful...I think the biggest reason I'm grateful for my job is that it distracts me. It distracts me from the fact that I live by myself, and if I wasn't working, I'd be home alone looking at my Christmas tree, if indeed I put one up that year. Sometimes I don't bother because I'm never home, and whats the point? There won't be a present underneath it Christmas morning.

And that's another thing... but let me disclaimer first... I don't get a lot of joy of “things”. I'm not materialistic. I appreciate and am grateful that I have a comfortable life... but as a person without a family of my own, I don't really see much in the way of opening presents. My siblings stopped the official picking names and gift giving a long time ago, because, according to them “Christmas is for kids”. I can't really afford to buy my nephews and neices anything for them to enjoy, so I donate to food for the poor for each family. This really leaves me with not a lot to participate in. I guess I feel kind of left out of the whole thing. They all have their own families on Christmas morning, I don't. One year on Thanksgiving, every sibling decided to go to their in-laws, which left me to go to Denny's by myself. A few years later, they decided to move Thanksgiving to Friday, which again left me to fend for myself. Luckily, I had a couple of families from church that took pity on me and invited me over. Still, I only have one family, and when one of them decides not to be around on a holiday, there is a hole there. It's very hard for me, because that is my only family time.

I guess my point in bringing this up is that I get a little tired of people who complain about having to go to more than one family on the holiday. Or they make up some rule about switching off every year. Look, I'd rather see my sibling's family for ½ hour on the holiday than none at all. There is a real hole there. It may be hard. It may be exhausting...but you know what? I would give ANYTHING to have more than one family love me enough to want to see me on the holidays...cause as I mentioned before, sometimes the one family I have forgets.

The holidays are an extremely lonely time for those without a family. Even for people that have their own family they grew up with, but not their own offspring. And before someone goes off to me about how I should volunteer more and get outside myself, etc, please again, refer to January 1, 2007, including Christmas schedule. I've been working and tithing my time to churches all season. Even though it may distract at times, that doesn't ever keep one from noticing the empty house.

Please don't forget the lonely.

Repeat

2009-11-06T21:26:00.000-06:00

See October 27, 2008

Add on a year.

Another Beautiful Day

2009-09-17T13:17:00.002-05:00

While I don't want to make another post just on the weather, I must give a nod to this amazing summer we've had here in the Lou. Today is another beautiful day. I've got all my windows open, and I'm trying to find some motivation to do some cleaning. I'm close to redoing my room but that is going to take some prep work and once I get started I'm committed, and not only that, but I will be disheveled and sleeping in the guest room... so I'm procrastinating.

There is so much heavy organizing I want to do, which would lead to my daily keeping order a lot easier, but again, takes motivation.

I'm getting back in routine for the fall and I have to start thinking about my Christmas program. That's a bit difficult considering the warm sunny weather outside.

Sunshine Day!

2009-03-17T12:07:00.002-05:00

The sun is out. High 70's. I'm so ready for nice weather to help me out of my winter coma. My moods are definitely directly proportional to the amount of Sun I see.

BE. A. U. Tiful.

I'm gonna take a walk.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NaCCG7QkM_c

In Love

2009-03-09T20:48:00.002-05:00

It's not what you're thinking....

No one particular person is at the receiving end of my "in love-ness". Except for the person right in front of me at any particular time.

See, I went to the TOB (Theology of the body institute) week long class again. I've been to both week 1 and 2, and got to go back to week 1 again to lead music. It was such a blessing to be there again, and let things sink in further. The final mass we had was just amazing. I left there in love with the whole world. At the airport, seeing so many people, I had something impress upon me that made me love the people around me. I know this sounds a little cliche or whatever, but I saw the dude with the light sticks bringing in the airplanes and I saw that he is called to communion with God. Whether he knew that or not didn't matter, but I had a heart filled with love for him at that moment. Same with some other folks on the plane.

I don't know how long this will last... it is probably dependant on me staying up with my prayer.

Lord, help me to love others as you love them. Please help me to always be focused on you and be a gift to others.

2009-01-25T16:04:00.001-06:00

Why should I feel discouraged, why should the shadows come,
Why should my heart be lonely, and long for heaven and home,
When Jesus is my portion? My constant friend is He:
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

I sing because I'm happy,
I sing because I'm free,
For His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know He watches me.

"Let not your heart be troubled," His tender word I hear,
And resting on His goodness, I lose my doubts and fears;
Though by the path He leadeth, but one step I may see;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

I sing because I'm happy,
I sing because I'm free,
For His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know He watches me.

2008-11-09T22:55:00.005-06:00

This is a repeat blog from a couple of weeks ago. Why? Because things haven't changed. I'm still here...

except its one more month now.....

Monday October 27, 2008 Topic: Hurting Mood: Depressed
Dear Lord,

Do you think it would be possible that you might let me know that you are still with me in some way? It's been 3 years 3 months. Three very long years. I've stayed faithful to you. Not perfectly, I know, but faithful. I've kept coming back.

My friends have abandoned me, my basic emotional needs are not being met, everybody seems to assume that I mean the worst when I only want the best, and I don't know how much longer I can take things like this.

I know that I have no right asking the creator of the universe to answer me, but see, I trusted you. I trusted those promises you made in all the scripture passages about comforting me. I sing those songs at about 30-35 funerals a year and each time my heart agonizes over the fact that I haven't been comforted.

I've visited you so many times in adoration begging to hear or feel or receive something from you that would encourage me to keep going. That you were by my side and you hadn't abandoned me too. I've said many rosary novenas so that maybe your mother would approach you and help me out. I've played an average of 3-5 masses every weekend and tried to be faithful in my prayer. I've taken seriously the responsibilities you gave me 6 years ago playing for church and done my best in caring for the planning and playing the masses.

These intellectual pursuits make me more in awe of you. They give me a bigger understanding of who you are. But my heart is aching. And it hasn't stopped for over 3 years.

I've tried to be faithful to you. Can you please help me out? Please?

Archive Pasting from My Space

2008-11-06T13:24:00.002-06:00

Just to keep it all together. Here are the blogs from myspace.

Thursday, May 04, 2006 Topic: Music Mood: Content

On a new music kick. I'm totally digging Chris Rice.

Monday, January 01, 2007 Topic: New Year, New Ideas Mood: Tired

Some people may think blogging is arrogant. I dunno about that. I rather enjoy reading some other people's little online entries, especially when I have stuff in common with them. (Jobs, interests, or other).
So, in the small chance that someone might enjoy a little insight into my mind, or at least a giggle at how the ridiculous way my mind works, here it is.
If no one reads it, thats ok too. I spent some time in a little self-evaluation and put thoughts into words. I'm an extrovert, I have to survive somehow.
Enjoy, comment, and pray for me. :)

Monday January 1, 2007 SUNDAY SCHEDULE
I'm not a morning person. AT ALL. I'm a night person. Add that to the fact that in general, its hard for me to get to sleep. I sleep very soundly. Therefore, naps are not an option, nor would they be productive.
I have an almost perfect job for this situation. I do not have a 9-5 type job. I only have to wake up earlier 2-3 mornings a week, in general (varies, of course).
Every Sunday is one of those wake up early days. Sunday is what I work towards every week. My in and out daily routine is mostly about "Getting ready for Sunday". I love my job, and I want to do my best at it. Here lies the problem. Sunday mornings.
It's not just one mass to get through. Its 3 with a rehearsal in between. Not only that, but I'm "on". No room for grumpiness or a "case of the Mondays".
So I strategize. I start seriously getting ready for Sunday on Thursday. Let's work backwards:
Want to get up early on Sunday and not be tired...so common sense says go to bed early on Saturday night. (Yes, I'm a loser on Saturday nights.) But I'm usually not tired...so all day Saturday I do things to make me tired.. I try to get up pretty early, exercise a lot, do a lot of errands, interact with a lot of people, etc. Somtimes this isn't even enough, so, I even try to stay up late on Friday and get up early on Saturday so that I'm tired. So basically, its trading one tired day for another, but usually on Saturdays, I don't have to work. But in order to stay up late Friday, I need to sleep in on Friday. Which means on Thursday night, I'm thinking about my wake up time for the next day. and forget it if I have a school mass.
Ridiculous, I know. But I really REALLY enjoy my job so much more when I feel rested.

CHRISTMAS SCHEDULE (Please read Sunday schedule first)

I am a parish music director...I have more masses than my parish priests who split them up.(I am in St. Louis, so we are not experiencing a dire shortage like other diocese)

Here's my Christmas Weekend schedule

Sunday the 24th:
10:00 AM and Noon (I usually have the 8:30, but the other group mercifully played that one so I could get a little more rest.

Play another place at 4 PM vigil (while another group plays at my parish)

Then to dinner with other Catholic musicians who are as close to me as my family because I have to have holiday dinners with them because of weekends like this Christmas weekend.

Then back to my parish for a 10:30 PM mass (choir starts at 10) Please do NOT criticize the earlier time. THANK GOD for the earlier time...because I'm not quite done...

Monday Christmas morning...back to my parish for an 8:30 and a 10 AM By then, I'm a little "massed" out.....

It's exhausting and emotionally draining. By the time I am done on Christmas morning, I'm so wiped out that I can't really enjoy family.
If you read "Sunday schedule", you will understand my sleep preparations and survival tactics for this weekend. I purposely did not sleep on Friday night. At all. no kidding. I was completely exhausted on Saturday.(Although I did make it to 8 AM daily mass that day). I did this so that I could sleep VERY early on Saturday night to be well rested for my marathon Christmas Eve. I slept 12 hours on the night before Christmas eve. It was a wonderful thing. Had a quick lunch after noon mass, then off to villa duschesne Christmas Eve vigil Mass.
As I mentioned before, dinner with musician friends, then back to church for set up and red-bull. Got home about 1 AM and back the next morning.
Read the next blog for the hangover story --> --> --> -->

MMMMM SLEEP!!!!! (Please read sunday schedule and christmas first)

Christmas Night. 12 glorious hours of sleep. 2 more nights of 10 hours each. I didn't go into work until Saturday. I did leave the house, I wasn't in complete hibernation, but I did some painting, some work that needed to get done.
Saturday, had a wedding and got stuff ready for Masses on Sunday. Here we go again. You know, preparing for Christmas or Easter wouldn't be as bad if I didn't have those "pesky" Sundays to prepare for as well every week.
So, that brings me to now. Monday, New Years Day at 2 PM. Had Mass this morning. Got inspired to do some blogging and here we are. I am still recovering.

Wednesday, January 03, 2007 Topic: Gratitude
So, my past blogs seem to have an air of complaint. This one is gratitude.
I'm grateful I have a job. I'm grateful that I can come home tired and spent feeling like I have achieved something for the Lord and worked hard at it.
I'm grateful I have a home, and a salary to pay my mortgage.
Sometimes I get inside myself, especially when I'm tired or feeling lonely, and I do too much self-evaluation. The kind that makes you think that you're not good enough, cute enough, not enough friends, etc. Well, I'm thankful that I have drive, and goals, and motivation to work hard.
Thanks, God.

Saturday, January 20, 2007 Musings on a Saturday night

It's an amazing adventure to try to find peace. One can look for their whole lives, doing all the right things, and not find too much comfort. God is mysterious. Those holy ones that have gone before us, and struggled with the dark night of the soul.... you are probably saints right now.
Of course, I am not comparing myself to the saints...far from it, but I'm trying... really I am. I am struggling so much now with lack of peace again. The times I have experienced peace for a "period" of my life have been very few. I was and am SOOO happy in my job. Something seems to come along and disrupt the peace and I can't seem to get it back.
Last year, I dove into "memorized prayer". The kind that you do when your heart is broken and you have nothing left to say so you go back to all you can muster up with the mustard seed of faith. I kept it up for months. No peace. Where was God? I still don't know.
I got so tired of it, that I'm starting to equivocate prayer with "empty". God, where are you? I'm looking and you are hiding.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007 Topic: Happiness Current mood: Discontent

Pretending to be happy, or peaceful when I'm not is the most unappealing thing to me. It is not authentic. I don't want to put on masks.
However, is expecting my friends to deal with my moods, or me being down fair? Can I expect them to stay friends with me? Hence the less hang out opportunities because who wants to be around sadness? Which leads to more loneliness.
There is a story of someone who was struggling with dryness in prayer. His spiritual director told him to lay prostrate in prayer, even though he didn't feel like it. He put himself in the posture of prayer, to allow it to come. (which it did).
So I'm wondering if I make a decision to be happy… act pleasant and peaceful and happy, if it might penetrate me from the outside in.
I struggle with this because it almost feels like lying. It feels like I'm just distracting myself from facing fears and loneliness, and healing, and just covering it up.
However, what I'm doing now is not working.

Thursday, March 22, 2007 Topic: JOY Current mood: melancholy

Rejoice: what an interesting word. My mind immediately thinks of rejoicing as celebrating, happiness, and lollipops and balloons.
I don't think that is the intended meaning in scripture. Even during Lent, we are called to rejoice. I guess it's the idea that we can be full of Joy even during immense suffering.
I feel like I'm lacking the Joy. I don't want to.
I like the song "Rejoice with trembling" … what a paradox…
I want the joy back. I want the hope back. I'm tired of not having it.

Monday, July 09, 2007 Topic: Thoughts Mood: Groggy

Got back from Steubenville St. Louis yesterday. I was honored to be able to play piano and sing with the music ministry. I feel hung over today...not from drinks, but from exhaustion. The whole experience was draining, but in a good way.
Praying that way (by playing music) is just different. It's a different kind of prayer because there are elements of your brain that must stay focused on the task of putting fingers to the keys and singing the right note... no matter how good one is at their instrument. When not playing, all I am employing in the brain is the part that keeps me standing upright. So much more freedom, however, I can do that any day in the adoration chapel.

Monday, March 10, 2008 Topic: Dryness Mood: Blah

In my involvement in church work, I naturally have friends who share faith quite easily. In the last few years, I have felt dryness, although it seems that most around me are in a pretty decent place. Ups and downs of course, but generally, pretty good. Oddly though, lately, I have come across more and more people who can't seem to find their way out of the desert. For me, I would be happy right now for an oasis just to rest.
I have felt this dryness for some time. Years, even. It became quite evident when I went through a break-up and a friend betrayed me. I lost so much at that time, even though I prayed more than before. It was so empty. There was even a moment one night, lasted about 1 ½ minutes, that I lost my intellectual mustard seed of faith.
Christians have the knowledge that God is there with them, but don't always feel it. But the hope in Christ, that death leads to resurrection, gives us the reason to keep on keeping on. When that is lost though, that is a hellish place to be. I hit that place for a moment that one night and it scared me. I don't wish anyone to go there. This is when suicides happen. (No I was not close to that, but I certainly can see how a person feeling hopeless and despair can easily reach that). I shook it off, never wanting to visit that again. It became apparent to me that Satan was involved in that, which was to his delight. I suppose my angel was working overtime to fight him off that night.
I recently have been inspired, at least a little bit, to keep on. Things are dryer than ever. Lack of peace like never before. No oasis in sight. I really need to be a camel to survive. However, just by reading someone's humorous recordings of some pretty rotten things happening to him, and his attempts at giving up, yet somehow, he hasn't, has made me realize that I really don't have an option to give up. The cosmic universe won't allow me to.
The following came to me while I was having lunch with a different friend last week. Wasn't even part of the conversation. Just the words hopped in my mind like a gnat on an orange at a picnic.
"Embrace it." This sentence is 5 days old. I haven't done much hard praying time since then, so I don't know quite what that means yet. I'm suspecting that it has something to do with attitude, and I have the dryness anyway, and can't do anything more than I am already doing about it, so might as well push through. Use it to my advantage…if that's possible. Or just to be spiteful to satan and really piss him off. He delights in my sadness, so if I gain some kind of spiritual muscles during a time when I'm supposed to be sad, all better… nah nah nah.
Oh, and by the way, apparently my blog has been viewed over 1000 times, yet not one comment. How long does one have to complain about feeling isolated that someone SAYS SOMETHING?
Thank you (you know who you are), for your inspiration. You are in my prayers.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008 Topic: Clean Mood Anxious

Pure, simple, clean. This is one of the images I get when I think of Lent, and a bit earlier, new year resolutions. A new start. Time to brush away the cobwebs, clean out the closet, and bleach (or if you are snoop, bleeeoooochh " ) the counters. Ok, enough metaphors.
One of my New years resolutions, and then continuing on into Lent each year has been to simplify. Yes, I still do some other forms of giving up, such as ice cream. I loves me my chocolate shakes. However, I usually find some form of inspiration each year to at least think about watching my budget closer, decluttering, getting rid of things. That’s the kicker. Which things? Trying to evaluate if "I’ll need this someday" is the tough ass-kicking question that I can never answer fully or correctly. A few things are pretty obvious of course. Some, not so much
Examples:
OBVIOUS: small lawn mower that starter spring is broken and wheel fell off. (however, draining the oil and pinpointing the bulk pick up date is the challenge)
NOT SO OBVIOUS: Entertainment center that is too big for my living room and doesn’t match, but is in good condition and my brother would be upset if I got rid of it because he moved it-Twice. Will I ever have a finished basement for it?
These are the problems I come across that stagnate my momentum of "simplifying." That and I’m a procrastinator and multi-tasker. My myerrs-briggs prayer is "Lord, help me to keep my mind on one thing …look a bird…. At a time. I’m also an extrovert, so I’m not one to want to stay home by myself, purging my house of things. Speaking of extroverts….ahhh…. I told you. Where was I? Multi-tasking or simplifying?
Now, I’m not a hoarder by any means. I don’t like lots of decorative items. Just a few simple things, but like any homeowner, the basement becomes storage for things that you just can’t make a decision about. Looking at that pile of receipts that needs to be purged, I feel like I want to take my extroverted self out for some chocolate ice cream.
Lord, create in me a clean heart.

Sunday, March 23, 2008 Topic: Too Much mood: Blessed

I got to laugh last night. A real hearty laugh. I haven’t been able to reach down inside for that in a long time. It was nice. I want to laugh more.
Just going back and reading my post yesterday, I realize how much more I need to tithe. Soooo many folks have nothing to eat. Babies are being killed every day by their mothers. I’m talking about having too much stuff.
God, Create in me a clean heart.

Saturday March 15, 2008 Topic:: Change Mood: Inspired

I’ve gotten use to the dryness. I’m still not happy about it, or content, but the dull ache has become…well, dull.
Part of my job is leading music for Mass and other liturgical times, like adoration. When I first experienced adoration with music, it was incredible. For a long time it was an amazing way for me to pray. Since I play music for it now, obviously it’s a little bit different. There’s not much freedom to immerse deeply…I have to think about the song, words, and key. Its not bad, just different.
Last month, I went to adoration (was not leading music) on a youth ministers retreat. I noticed then that the experience isn’t the same anymore. It doesn’t bother me to follow someone else at all. I enjoy not having to work. However, my ability to enter into prayer during those times when I’m not working has changed. I might have played a particular chorus of a song about 50 times that week. I don’t know if my ability to be free has left, or if God is not wooing me as much anymore.
Tonight I played music for adoration for our Lifeteen youth retreat. I’ve played for every retreat for them for the past 5 ½ years. Tonight, by far, was tops. The pastor was a little late, so we had to "stall". We sang a few songs before adoration, including the Hail Mary. I wonder if that’s what did it. The intensity of the prayer was amazing. Seeing the posture and the faces of the teens, longing for their Lord, and hearing the loud singing, was very moving for me. I am quite honored and humbled to be able to do what I do.
I love you guys! Thank you.

Tuesday April 1, 2008 Topic: Theft Mood: Bullied

So lots has happened over the last couple weeks…and I guess a lot of is blogworthy, but it has also kept me so busy that blogging isn’t the first item on my to do list.
Speaking of to-do lists… mine is long. After Easter, you would think life would slow down. Well, I got a day off. Then it was back at it. It’s wedding season. (bridezillas get a blog entry all on their own). It’s sacramental season (here comes first communion, confirmation, etc).
Well, I’ll start with the first event. I blogged about the retreat, but didn’t tell about the little thing that led up to it. Thievery. That’s right….someone stole stuff. From CHURCH! I walk in Sunday morning and discovered 2 amps stolen. (Friday packing up the keyboard for retreat, I discovered the keyboard stand taken-not the keyboard, but the stand). We reported it, and discovered that there had been other churches robbed. In the mean time, I go into the nearby pawn shop to tell the guy to watch out for it. Interesting experience. Kind of like shaking the hand of a used car salesman. (not the owner himself, just the nature of the shop).
Well, apparently the amps were found at another pawn shop 45 minutes away, however no one that uses them regularly can ID anything specific about them (scratches, etc). So I gotta take a trip with someone to ID them.
Today, the news crew decides to interview me and the pastor. A 5 minute interview was cut to one sentence, which is fine. However, the backdrop shown was the equipment we do have sitting in the church. Thanks for advertising what we still have available to be stolen, news people!
This has presented an opportunity to upgrade equipment though. NEW TOYS!

Wednesday April 2, 2008 Topic: What I learned from a dog Mood:Sad

2 living places ago, I was a foster mom to dogs through a pet shelter. These animals were either sick or were just depressed from living at the shelter for so long, so I would take them home for a week so they get some TLC, get healthy, and hopefully go back to get adopted.
Life got in the way with moving, getting roommates, buying a house, roommate leaving, etc. I’ve settled in, and have been thinking more about getting a dog, but I wanted to make sure I’m up for the commitment before getting one permanently, so I signed up to foster again. Enter Dylan.
Dylan is a 7 month old Westie with a broken leg. His past owners had kids whose tricycle hit and broke his leg. Instead of bringing the dog to the vet, they brought him to the adoption center, apparently because they didn’t have the time to spend with him. Obviously, they didn’t want the vet bills either.
I brought Dylan to my parents house first, and mom held him while I left the room for something. He cried, and I had only known him 1 hour. First day at my house we played fetch, in which he just took his toy into his bed, where he felt safe. Another fetch game, he dropped his toy and just climbed in my lap. He just wanted to be held. It was obvious, when I had to correct him sternly when working on house breaking, that he was hit, because he cowered often.
Trips outside were a big event. Of course, this was the wettest muddiest week all year. Dylan would just follow me back inside so I had to go with him, find my shoes, coat, put a plastic bag around his cast, put on his leash, and go out and beg him to go. Yea, great fun, 3 AM in my pajamas saying "Dylan, go potty." Meanwhile he gets distracted by a leaf blowing down the street, and did I mention this was the WETTEST week of the year? We come back inside and we wipe paws, take the bag off the cast, he shakes the rain off his fur, and we go back to bed for 2 hours, all to do it all over again.
Of all the dogs I have taken care of, this one by far was the sweetest ever. I lost a lot of sleep because of him (like a newborn in some ways). Yes, he slept with me. He would have cried in his bed all night, we tried it. He would curl up in the break of my knees in bed. He really started coming out of his shell about 4 days in. He started barking at noises, trying to protect me. He was getting attached pretty quickly.
In comparison to so many others, my life has been pretty peachy. However, suffering is definitely relative, and I’ve definitely had my share of emotional abuse, betrayal, and heart-ache. Dad was not very loving to me, and often yelled at the smallest things. (More than once I got yelled at because I had constant coughing at night…no kidding).
So Dylan is hurt, abused, and given away by the only family he has ever known. He has to undergo painful surgery to fix his leg- remember animals have no idea whats going on, all they know is that they are hurting. His leg is in a cast and he is driven by strangers to a shelter, then given to me, another stranger. When he drops his toy and climbs in my lap, loving me, I lose it. I’m tearing up writing about it now. This scared traumatized puppy is able to trust and love me even after going through all that he has gone through, and seemingly so easily. Every day I wished I could speak dog so I could make him understand that I wasn’t going to hit him. Like God sending His son so that we can understand God’s love. Perhaps I can trust God again.
I never got attached to any of my foster dogs before, until now. I had to give him back today because there is a family that is going to adopt him. I’m relieved that he isn’t staying any longer because we both were getting attached, and I definitely don’t want him feeling abandoned again.
I’m gonna miss my little pooch that taught me so much.

Thursday Apr 10, 2008 Topic: I Can hear music Mood: Imaginative

I’ve always been aware of the power of music. I’ve always known that music can have amazing effects on my mood and emotions. Recently, I’ve been listening (or watching on you tube) some different little tidbits of songs that are making things inside me stir. They are touching deep emotions, sometimes because of the lyrics, sometimes because of the music, or both, or sometimes because of the sheer silliness of the song. Although I can recognize "high art" in music, film, and other genres, I also can appreciate things for what they are, too. What I mean is that I know very well that most comedy movies don’t have the best acting, blocking, or artistic flare in them, they are what they are, and I can watch to escape from life, laugh a little bit, and forget my troubles.
Music is such an odd and complex thing to understand and talk about. A lot of appreciation is subjective, however, there is objectivity to it as well. Those that know me know that I absolutely love Billy Joel. He has influenced me greatly in keeping me playing piano, as well as my style of playing. I also could give a dissertation on why his music is objectively good (eclectic, influenced from classical composers, reinventing himself, etc). It bothers me when someone says "Billy Joel sucks." They can’t back that up. It’s ok to not like it, that doesn’t mean its bad. I appreciate the objectively good music that Elton John writes, however, I don’t like it very much. It doesn’t mean I think he sucks. I also realize that modern rock musicians are not in the same category as classical composers. It’s a different genre, different goal, different motivation.
So, recently I’ve been dallying on you tube to catch some bootleg recordings of live performances.. And oh my gosh, I think I’ve opened up a can of worms. Some of these songs I listen to over and over. One thing or another will effect in me some way, whether it be amazement at the audience participation, or the lyrics triggering longings or desires, or causing me self-evaluation, or the music chord progression creating tension that causes mere emotion to stir. A couple of tunes were just funny…silly. They are presented in that manner, and the music that the lyrics are placed in confirm the silly intention. Oh, one other thing. I’m greatly affected by the passion in which musicians sing their songs. If you can feel their emotion in their singing, I can feel it too.
And another thing…I get even more satisfaction when I can connect with someone over music. I love being able to share a recording with someone and having them "get" what I hear in it…in some way.
Soo…. Are all 3 of you readers curious yet? Here you go:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xe-4e0cE7q0
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fnHAqwpVa08
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-tw3_1Z3cjM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JmR0Nq2LeO4

Sunday May 17, 2008 Topic: TOB Mood: Blessed

I will never see the world the same. I got some basics before by hearing Christopher West speak a few times, but after taking the "Theology of the Body Head and Heart Immersion Course" last week, I am changed. Forever.
I lost my heart awhile ago. I've talked before about things being dry, but I got in my own way a lot of the time too. This class was not just a class (even though the classroom atmosphere was mostly light, funny, and relaxed), but it allowed for God to seep into every pore. The prayer team behind the scenes intercessed for us, and thank God they did, because Satan attacks the family, and he was not happy. I got out of my own way last week, and allowed God to love me.
This class brought home the very reasons I do what I do. I got over the fight, and discovered again what I was fighting for.
I recommend EVERYONE to this class. Worth every penny.
I will never see the world the same

Monday October 27, 2008 Topic: Hurting Mood: Depressed
Dear Lord,

Do you think it would be possible that you might let me know that you are still with me in some way? It's been 3 years 2 months. Three very long years. I've stayed faithful to you. Not perfectly, I know, but faithful. I've kept coming back.

My friends have abandoned me, my basic emotional needs are not being met, everybody seems to assume that I mean the worst when I only want the best, and I don't know how much longer I can take things like this.

I know that I have no right asking the creator of the universe to answer me, but see, I trusted you. I trusted those promises you made in all the scripture passages about comforting me. I sing those songs at about 30-35 funerals a year and each time my heart agonizes over the fact that I haven't been comforted.

I've visited you so many times in adoration begging to hear or feel or receive something from you that would encourage me to keep going. That you were by my side and you hadn't abandoned me too. I've said many rosary novenas so that maybe your mother would approach you and help me out. I've played an average of 3-5 masses every weekend and tried to be faithful in my prayer. I've taken seriously the responsibilities you gave me 6 years ago playing for church and done my best in caring for the planning and playing the masses.

These intellectual pursuits make me more in awe of you. They give me a bigger understanding of who you are. But my heart is aching. And it hasn't stopped for over 3 years.

I've tried to be faithful to you. Can you please help me out? Please?

New Start

2008-11-06T12:22:00.000-06:00

Hi to all 3 of you readers. I'm transferring from the myspace blog. I will be copying the old posts here soon, once I figure out some formatting things. It might be a little messy to begin with, so bare with me.